This was written for a non-profit supporting mental health as well as domestic violence support services. https://bfree2flyinternational.org/

Individuation is a lifelong process involving all the choices that make you uniquely yourself.

Simply put, boundaries keep us safe, like lines of comfort when we’re around others. My boundaries are not selfish: they don’t tell you what to do, nor do they exist to control you. These lines exist whether we communicate them or not. They keep us differentiated from one another. All alone, our boundaries don’t get stretched very much, it’s in relationships where these lines of safety and comfort get pushed. To have healthy interactions with people, we will need to directly communicate where we stand - often - in order for healthy and positive states to occur. This is where all relationships can become strained. It may sound like an easy task to “communicate my needs and get them met” without being taken advantage of. Often it’s anything but easy especially for those with unresolved trauma hidden in the corners of one's psyche. The difficulty exists because we can’t always see the small holes in our own emotional resolve, where our self-esteem is weak, or where a little feeling of worthlessness is still present that we’re unaware of, or maybe we don’t see how our perception of a situation is really us projecting our ideals and emotions outward onto others. Strength and courage are required to maintain firm limits. When our boundaries are pushed, we can feel panicked, confused, anxious and frozen all at once.

As our boundaries are eroded by extreme and subtle abuse, our self-esteem, our validity, our emotional resolve - our Self - erodes as well.

Violated: coerced, controlled, criticized, humiliated, ridiculed, demeaned, physically and verbally sexually assaulted = all shades of crisis.

Then we are gaslit, manipulated, man-splaned, blamed and silenced, so we Fight-Submit-Go crazy-Cycle and repeat→Until we are simply void; nothingness→ this is trauma adaptation = Lose MYSELF to keep the peace/my marriage/my home/my perceived or projected safety/my place in society, in family, in culture, in church, in school, at work…Maybe I stop noticing, minimize, become numb, make excuses - all to keep me safe. But what is ultimately happening: You have shut down your small inner voice, searching within yourself to find the fault that is theirs. So well trained by the abuse.

How can we turn this around and heal? Whether in an abusive situation or not, we must start to listen. Reawaken that small voice within. Start by naming the feeling within - am I angry? Sad? Scared?

Often we can’t even identify; this is the numbing. Find the tension in your body. Begin to define, inside you, your truth, the boundary that separates you from them - what you think and feel is the first step to be in YOUR story, not theirs. This can be an overwhelming first step so be gentle with yourself and breathe. Find a moment of peace and clear your mind for a second. Find this path back to feeling YOU inside. This can be overwhelming because you have become a nothingness, dissociated to stay safe.

No one has the right to tread on another's boundaries. When you add the dynamics of another “not-fully-healed-individual” into your life, boundaries become intensely more complex. Our needs become mixed with others' needs but can also get confused with expectations - which are often hidden and unspoken - often used as attacks we never see coming. When my boundary gets pushed (even just strained a little) and I stand up for safety for myself (it doesn’t matter HOW in order to keep ME safe) others may take this as an attack on them and how you are now controlling them - their words, their actions, everything. Simply put, this is twisted - and in relationship, that means “twisted together” - our wires and internal messages, all our ideals and sense of Self gets crossed, entwined and enmeshed with the entire matrix of their reality. The only work to be done is on more strength and more courage in us to keep our resolve, stay an individual, differentiated from everyone else.

This inner strengthening and building of our emotional intelligence means learning to identify, understand, and ultimately regulate our emotions. You can only control yourself - you can't control another's feelings, emotions, actions, nor reactions. Try to slow down, take a moment to breathe, collect, and reflect before taking a step or saying anything. Think about what you need at that moment for you - for you to remain safe.

Boundaries are not simply words, they are actions. Put another way, violated boundaries are reactions we deliberately take when they are violated. In a culture where women are seen and treated as a step-down, it is difficult to take actions when our boundaries are violated, even subtly by a sexist or racist joke or demeaning comment “not meant to offend,” for fear of some form of retaliation against us. Even though it is difficult, setting boundaries and practicing their enforcement challenges us to reflect and constantly review our needs, values and priorities. We need to practice them when we ask for what we want to eat, when we want to meet someone, how we want to be treated. If you feel a tinge of shame or guilt, it’s that little voice saying it’s a boundary needing more practice. Constantly practicing and affirming our personal boundaries, testing our needs and values, we will be rewarded with greater personal development and a deeper self-awareness. You deserve to take the best care for yourself as possible because you are worth it! Firm boundaries means:

FIRM

F=Fulfillment of goals and dreams

I=Increased self-care

R=Reduced stres

M=Mine

Learn more about Boundaries and Safety at upcoming event. For more details, visit upcoming events page at https://www.bfree2flyinternational.org/upcoming-events.