My Path to My Power

Acceptable violence against women is ingrained in all cultures, ethnicities, as well as organized religions, usually through societal training by the method of “silencing” - if one faction of people are not allowed to speak, how are they ever heard? I was raised in what looks like the ideal situation for our “modern childhood” - a small, Christian suburb of Philadelphia, pastoral and idyllic. In that small supposed-to-be-ideal little community, there was pedophilia and other sexual abuse, domestic violence, selectivism (as in family names, reputations and money come first). Many people were ostracized in different and unique ways [this is what we now call “being canceled”] - including my mother. My father, a prominent, well-loved teacher in the community who held his reputation above all else, was in his own trauma (an alcoholic) and my mom as well, survived abuse, neglect, substance abuse and a father who simply walked out. Together, they put on the proper and acceptable societal-facade as best they could until my mom was given the Scarlet-Letter-goodbye. While all this was going on with my parents, I was just trying to be a kid, a daughter and a girl to boot. What I didn’t realize, in my growing up, was how much of an impact all this overt, and worse so, covert, societally accepted trauma had in my life.

I tried marriage twice. The first was born of this idyllic background setting, supported by the storybook Disney-Grimm-Eyre-Dickens “rags to riches” lens of “marrying up equals success for a woman” - so much so there’s a word for that - hypergamy. I came from the up-and-coming, not-quite-poor side of the tracks where my mother had to work and my parents ended up divorced (after my father had an affair) – and he came from the “money-plus-name-enough-upper-echelon” – his parents are still married, flashy exterior, his mother chose to work-yet, looks can be deceiving. The second, not worth any energy whatsoever to put even his negative traits down on paper.

In my family, in my town, in my church, in my travels – in every facet of my life – I didn’t realize all this trauma and abuse was lurking in dark corners of my psyche that my mind (and relationships and society and culture…) had forced me to brush aside, ignore, well, really, just put up with and push through, as if I didn’t even have a choice - as a mom, as a woman, you MUST just keep slogging ahead in this male-entitled culture. There is no finger pointing at the abuser, at the male entitlement, the patriarchy. There is no justice as the courts re-abuse, so you keep going, chin up, no matter how much the water is over your head, trying to tread water just enough to breathe.

In both relationships, their philosophies were slightly different but minted in the same metal - one lived as a married bachelor, getting all he wanted all the time while he didn’t father our children in the least, controlled the money and used passive aggression to communicate. The second was worse - throwing tantrums, lying, stonewalling for days, throwing things at me, and also doing nothing, as “father”, for our child. They both viewed my body as theirs - they demanded it, they used it and then when I couldn’t take it anymore I set a hard stop to forced sex. Then they wanted out because “their needs weren’t being met.” Well, neither were mine!

I’m NOT going down with that sinking ship! I KNOW I’ve got some angel wings somewhere inside me and while the devil seemed to be winning from one shoulder, how in the world could I hear the small, still, Divine voice coming from the inside? I’m not the kind of person to use force in my sickness or dis-ease. I don’t turn to “pharma” because that’s black magic poison to me. I was raised to turn to The Divine, but not in a personal sense. I was trained to worship, bow down, glorify and sing praises to that “God somewhere in the heavens”. I was also trained by the phrase “love thy neighbor as thyself – but remember, if you serve yourself, you’re selfish”. So that’s the key. I was a pleaser, always helping and doing for others. I didn’t know how to love myself. No one knew how much I was hurting - I never let anyone know, ever - except a diary I kept that I eventually burned in the backyard fireplace - where my secret, up in smoke, was that I carried a razor blade in my wallet as a “maybe now” insurance policy. People thought I had two lovely husbands - “I thought you two were so perfect!” I didn’t show it on my face, not because I thought I was a failure but because I thought it’s just how it’s going to be. They made the vows, they said they’d love, honor and cherish - but none of that ever happened. I tried being in love with them but they both despised me. I liked myself. I liked what I could do. I liked my brain well enough. But I didn’t love me. I didn’t put me first. I put everyone else first - that is the societal woman/mother trap when you’re trained and habituated to be a pleaser – you go last – because society has literally “unpersoned” you as a woman.

I was so, so done taking all of “it”. I knew I was in pain but I didn’t know how much. I thought I was breathing, that the water wasn’t filling my lungs, but I was wrong. My 2nd daughter was my absolute rock and without her, I’m not sure I’d have made it out with any breath left. I was numb. I felt broken. Friends pointed out my strengths and my courage that I couldn’t see - I packed a truck, my two cats and my son and we moved from L.A. to Houston - the four of us trekking cross country in the U Haul. Friends pointed out that I didn’t need the 90% of my possessions I left on the curb in L.A. I still have trauma flashes thinking “where is that..?” I’ve had insomnia and lethargy and an inability to focus. Recovery and healing, as action words, took the back seat – I thought I could just keep powering through, chin up. Full stop, nope! We can see “held trauma” in those who have maybe been angry all their lives and then develop cancer and quickly die. This should be a visceral example to all of us; an “in your face” advertisement THIS COULD BE YOU if you’re not paying attention. But as I said, the disconnect to Self - from body and soul - is real. I felt nothing - numb and broken. I kept pushing. I was not simply disconnected from my Self, I was disconnected from my Divine Inner Power, my Divine inner knowing with the innate gift to create.

These non-consensual shackles put upon me by my lineage, history, trauma, society, culture - trained, ingrained, indoctrinated, enculturated, systematically stripped me of autonomy. This was the process of being unpersonned, voiceless and worthless. But that’s just it - it’s not MINE! It’s their perception, their bullying, their reality. Those voices and those messages aren’t mine. And, they weren’t mine at the time. But, when your friends and family and society smile along with you as you’re doing your best to play along, you start thinking it’s only you not being satisfied. You think it’s just you that needs to do more and be more so your husband isn’t hurting you. While you’re mothering and working and just trying to stay alive it seems there’s never a time to just sit and breathe and actively listen to that voice, that whisper within, because it’s there, quietly, unobtrusively urging you to pay attention that “something isn’t right”, let alone ALL of it feeling wrong. You shouldn’t feel this way. You shouldn’t be hurting daily. You shouldn’t be making excuses for him. You shouldn’t be in pain when you're supposed to be in love. You try and try to keep the peace while quietly, slowly there is a storm of insanity closing in, but that insanity WASN’T mine either! It was cultivated by his manipulation, gaslighting, abuse and bullying, compounded by my upbringing and society. This is the total enslavement of our hearts by external forces. It’s the mind control of those outside you so you never wake up to what is actually happening.

I endeavor to be the full and total creatrix in my life, from the smallest details as well as in all major decisions and actions. I must not be reactionary in my life, ever. That’s a bold, harsh statement of fact. We are born in the image of the DIvine, with this innate ability to grow and create. We cannot continue to allow our hearts to be taken over by outside forces. We cannot continue to be complicit and participants in the crushing and diminishing of our own children's hearts. The natural state of the human being is happy, joyful, playful and silly, with the innate ability to discern right from wrong. Our natural human state is not one of power, domination, murder, corruption and stupidity. As the mind is developed and builds in capacity, we use love as our guide, and the Divine Love as source, to forge healthy connections through reason and intellect.

I am gaining, I know it. There is progression that feels incremental but verging on exponential. Recovery, health, healing, building, creating – it’s also nonlinear, not simply one foot in front of the other. It’s more a matrix of noticing, questioning and stepping into my power that I've had all along – the ruby slippers on my feet!. My matrix consists of finding and tapping into all the small islands throughout my past life that sit there in the ether like little buoys of mana left by the Divine - the web of breadcrumbs left to help guide me back to my source within. My joys, strengths, talents, wishes and desires all come back into focus – this non-linear, just verging on exponential change and growth actively reconnecting me to my inner Divine power that was instilled in me as my birthright. I have it, I am it, and I create it with the Divine Love and Divine Knowing that is the luminary in this ineffable darkness.